Thranduil's Diary
by Crimson Requiem
Summary: Thranduil pens down his personal thoughts on a diary given to him by his beloved son. Things you never knew about Thranduil and some things you never wanted to know. Mostly short entries of 500 words.
1. Chapter 1

Entry One: I am Fabulous

My name is Thranduil Oropherion, the ElvenKing of Mirkwood. I do believe that the title of this entry is self-explanatory. It merely illustrates what every elf around is thinking when their eyes fall upon me. Why just yesterday, one of the visiting elves from Rivendell tripped most clumsily over his feet the moment he set his eyes upon my ravishing self. Naturally, he was blinded by my inherent beauty and loveliness. I was wearing my most splendid set of robes with diamonds and rubies sewn all over it. He was obviously bowled over by my overwhelming presence and bedazzled by how alluring I look. That is just one day in the life of an ElvenKing.

Anyway, the only reason why I am deigning to write in this diary is my dearest son, Legolas. My beautifully adorable son, just 23 years old, a mere slip of an elfling. Just the other day on my birthday, he gave me this book as a present. I can still remember with crystal clarity the shy expression on his face that compelled me to pinch his chubby little cheeks.

"_Ada, Happy Birthday! I have a present for you. I hope you will like it." Legolas spoke in a trembling voice that betrayed his nerves. My cute little leaf! He had an enticing flush on his face that was just irresistible. That look should be banned! I swear that I will chase off all the riffraff that will no doubt try to court and corrupt my innocent little leaf. With his silky golden hair and watery blue eyes, he could seduce even the straightest of men! My poor little leaf. Don't worry your Ada will protect you._

But I digress. That was just a small glimpse of why I actually bothered to write in this diary. Legolas's first gift to me is the most precious thing on Middle Earth!

Let us not be diverted from the main topic. Yes, I know that I am fabulous. And why should I deny it when it is the truth? Many elves do desire me. I see how their eyes dart to me for a quick glance and I can read them like an open book. They wish that I would choose them for a partner. But none of them have the audacity to propose anything because they are terrified of me. What boring and cowardly fools I surround myself with. It is just so tiring to be fabulous all the time.

Nevertheless, it has been very long since I have had a lover. I believe it was ever since Legolas's mother (I do not particularly like her) sailed to Valinor. I do not wish to be crude but I do wish that someone had the balls to ask me on a midnight tryst. It is not good to repress your natural instincts or urges. I am still waiting. And waiting.

Well, whatever. At least I am still fabulous.

_**Written by: Thranduil, King of Mirkwood and sexually frustrated elf**_


	2. Chapter 2

Entry two: My Poor Little Leaf!

I am here to write about the most horrible occurrence. It has made my cute little Leaf get nightmares for the past week! It has been most traumatizing and I shudder to think what psychological damage it could have caused my poor son!

Just a week ago, the most terrible thing happened to him. It was a fine summer day and I was bringing Legolas with me on his very first hunting trip when he fell off his horse and injured himself. I am convinced that someone sabotaged my little leaf because he could not ever have been so clumsy. He is the best rider among all the elflings! Furthermore, the mare he was riding on was the most docile and sweet of the mearas in our royal stable. By the Valar, when I find out who had the audacity to do this to my son will pay!

_Pearly fluid welled in azure eyes, turning them into watery pools of agony. Legolas looked at me despairingly and bit his lip. He bravely held back his tears of pain and humiliation and whispered: "Ada, I am sorry that I have ruined your hunting trip. I will accept any punishment that you see fit."_

_I told him softly: "Do not apologize, my little leaf and you have not done any wrong. We can continue with this hunting trip another day."_

_I prodded his leg lightly and was very startled when he gave a gasp of pain. And I realized one thing – his leg was broken! Quickly, I told the other elves in the party to turn back. I needed to get Legolas to the healing room so that his pain would be eased._

_My heart just shattered into little bits as I pulled him into my arms tenderly and at that moment, I swore that whoever made my son cry would pay! He would be clapped in irons and thrown into the dungeon until he repents. Or I will torture him personally… That possibility sounds tantalizingly alluring…_

I am going to interrogate all my stable staff to find out the person that had been in charge of saddling Legolas's horse. It must have been his fault that my cute little leaf fell off his horse! Who else could be at fault?! I know. The person who made the saddle. Also, the groom that always tends to the horse. It must be a conspiracy I tell you. My poor little son, your Ada will find out the culprit and punish him till he can no longer ride a horse! I will personally cut off his XXX and XXX and XXXXXXXXXX! (Note: Censored for extremely graphic use of words) I will torture him until he kneels down and apologizes!

It was a conspiracy to humiliate my son to lower his self-esteem. I will never forgive that person even if my son does! I will let him spend an eternity in my dungeon and XXXX his XXXXXX! (Note: Censored again) I WILL GET MY REVENGE!

**-Thranduil, the very furious and (over)protective father**

**P.S. WHOEVER DID THAT SHALL PAY! I AM COMING FOR YOU!**

* * *

To my reviewers and subscribers, thanks so much! I appreciate your support. :) Hope you like the rants haha


	3. Chapter 3

Entry Three: A Most Traumatizing Incident

I have punished the perpetrators of the horse incident as mentioned in the previous entry, and I am glad to mention that they have been well and truly chastised, stripped of their ranks and thrown out of Mirkwood. I had to have a complete overhaul of my staff as over twenty of the servants had been exiled. It is a most vexing matter that I have had to tax my mind over. And I have to say that it is entirely their fault for planning this conspiracy against my little leaf. My dearest friend, Lord Elrond of Imladris, believes that I have overreacted in this matter and put the blame on innocent bystanders. However, I do very much object to this statement. It must be that age has clouded his perception and dulled his intellect, for the incriminating evidence against those involved were overwhelming.

Now, let us get to the main purpose of my entry. It has recently come to my attention that the young female elflings have become increasingly enamored of my son as of late. It is unacceptable. They have even begun to form a fan club that extensively monitors my son's actions. It is just abominable! I vaguely remember a most traumatizing incident that has scarred my mind permanently. It occurred when I was but an elfling of 120 years.

_A graceful elleth maiden stepped into my path and we crashed into each other. She fell to the floor with a cry of pain. I stared at her worriedly. She had this most alluring scent of cherry blossoms upon her fair self, and her hair fell in rippling silver waves over her back. She was an enchanting vision. _

"_My lady, I do greatly apologize for causing you injury. Do you require any assistance?"_

_I reached out a hand and she grabbed it. Hard. Her eyes began to sparkle and I felt a keen sense of foreboding in my chest that told of imminent danger. I should have known to always trust instinct, but at the tender age of 120, it was sadly lost to me. After all, what destruction could a mere elleth wreak? It appears as if I was horribly wrong. She hauled herself up and immediately jumped onto me, wrapping her legs around my chest like a vise, expelling all the breath from my lungs. She clung to me like a limpet, refusing to let go even when I turned blue from suffocation. She planted the most horrifyingly wet kisses upon my fair, unblemished skin. I was scarred beyond repair._

_That day, when I went home to my Ada, King Oropher, I did not dare to breathe a word of what had transpired and the elleth's attempt at assault(RAPE!) to my princely self. After all, who would believe me and understand the woes that we fabulous elves face? It is a crime! A crime to be so gorgeous._

So now, I am determined to save my son from this horrifying experiences that will no doubt scar his psyche till the end of time. If Legolas is ever harassed as I once was, I would definitely take action against them no matter their age or gender. So, watch out you disgusting, depraved perverted pedophiles! 

**-Thranduil, Traumatized ElvenKing and Defender of Legolas's Virtue**


	4. Chapter 4

Entry Four: I am Ravishing and Stylish

I would like to dedicate the latest entry to my elegantly graceful and stylish self. I have noticed as of late that my servants have been copying my style of dress. It is most disgusting – to think that they have no sense of individuality and are actually trying to emulate their King. I can understand why they covet my looks and appearance. But of course, they will never be able to come close to me. After all, what do they know of high fashion? Absolutely nothing.

Just the other day, a lowly servant dared to enquire upon my manner of dress. I was wearing green silk robes embellished with intricate leaf designs and a crown wreathed with the flowers of the spring. It was a most lovely ensemble. It is distressing that someone of such a low station addressed his king with such familiarity. Such curiosity is unbecoming and I fear that there is an ulterior motive behind the seemingly innocent enquiry – that is, to emulate my style yet again. However, that is easier said than done as it was all custom-made by the most skilled of tailors in Mirkwood, which is more than a mere servant can afford. Therefore, I am glad to say that I utterly rejected his request and told him to leave my presence in a firm tone. I believe I was perfectly polite, but my expression must have somehow betrayed my animosity, for he left in a huff. But that is not entirely possible for I have had countless millennia to perfect my mask, and my emotions would never show on my face at all. The servant must have been mistaken. And if he did sense any hostility on my part, it was most likely imagined.

Could you believe what happened a day after? That very servant attended to me yet again and he dressed himself in similarly-designed green silk robes! Imagine my outrage when I saw that… thing walking around looking like me! He had the audacity to mock me by wearing the same robes as I did a day ago. Hence, I did what any reasonable ElvenKing would do and fired him. I threw him out of the castle by my own hand and derived a great deal of satisfaction and pleasure from that particular action. Well, look who got the last laugh?

I do believe that I have showed great leniency in this regard. I did not torture or behead him for his disrespect of my person. I merely ignored all his cries of mercy and for clemency for I have none to give. I threw him out of the castle gates immediately and told him never to return.

So, just a small warning to those who would dare to traverse into dangerous territory and try to copy my style. No mercy shall be given. So beware, and tread carefully!

**-Thranduil, the Style Icon and Great King**

**P.S. Never cross the ElvenKing for you will not linger to regret it, you will be never heard of ever again. **


	5. Chapter 5

Entry Five: Watermelons Are Horrifying

Today has been a most trying day. I am writing this as I lie upon my bed, and I can still feel the phantom fluid lingering in my golden hair. It is unacceptable, no doubt the fault of those accursed dwarves. This is a travesty! I, as the ElvenKing, should never be subjected to these indignities that I now bear. It all started on this fine morning…

_I was carrying out my daily ritual of brushing my hair 500 times for it to be silky and flawless. (Beauty takes hard work, I'll have you know!) When my darling son ran into my room, his chubby cheeks flushed red with excitement. His eyes sparkled in the morning light like the brightest of stars and I was momentarily dazzled by their shine. He began to jump up and down when he saw that I was no longer abed. He seemed to be almost hysterical, as he clung to my sleeves._

"_Ada, the watermelons are coming today! I have heard of this wondrous fruit that is from the land of the dwarves. Can we please have some? Please?!" Legolas looked at me with large watery sapphire pools of anticipation. _

_I could not find it in my heart to reject him, though I did feel an inkling of foreboding. I ignored it, and agreed to sample the food with my little leaf. I should have listened to my instincts. They have never proven me wrong before. Especially with those accursed dwarves. Nothing good has ever come out of any association with them, short stubby filthy things they are. _

_I have tried to inculcate in my dearest son a reasonable hatred of the dwarves but it seems as if it has not been effective. Well that is because Legolas has an extraordinarily kind heart towards all things living. But to actually like those dirty messy things! I cannot understand my son anymore… Perhaps he is going through a rebellious stage? He has been nothing but affectionate to me, though. _

_The moment that I agreed to sample the watermelon was when I triggered the series of events that eventually turned into a tragedy. My tragedy. It was a life-changing moment, I have no doubt of that. Anyway, after we received the watermelons, I let Legolas pick one that was to his liking. He immediately chose the largest one. Due to his extremely cute countenance, I could not resist letting him open the fruit which was something I had always done for him. _

_With his inexperienced but adorable little hands, he split apart the watermelon. In the process, red fluid sprayed onto his face and robes. He licked it off in ecstasy. He grabbed chunks of the watermelon and stuffed it into his mouth. It was an adorable sight. I felt like I had gone back to the times when he had just turned 20. It was so wonderfully heartwarming and nostalgic._

_Then, he suddenly slipped on a puddle of juice. I quickly ran forward to catch him before he could hit the floor. However, what I did not see was the whole watermelon clutched in his hands which slipped off rather dramatically and smashed directly onto my face. It gave a resounding splat sound and I could feel the red juice trickling down my back, in my hair and my eyes. It felt horrifyingly sticky and disgusting. _

_When Legolas saw what happened, he was properly contrite. I forgave him in an instant. How could I not? He is my adorably innocent son, and would be depressed if I did not forgive his mistake. _

I would like to reiterate that it was definitely not Legolas's fault. In fact, it was wholly the fault of the dwarves. Those vile creatures, full of dirt and worms. It was their fault for planting the watermelons. I can hold no others accountable.

That is why I have now reached this conclusion: I HATE DWARVES!

**-Thranduil, the Dwarf-hater**

**P.S. I swear upon the Valar, I will never associate with a dwarf! I will not let my son get corrupted by those creatures!**


End file.
